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Conversations with my mother

From Dona Flor and her two Husbands

14th March. 2024

I was brought up with this belief system that soulmates come from a romantic partner. I used to fantasize about sharing my life with a man, without interruptions, or interferences, and making love forever. I wanted to feel like Rachel McAdams from "The Notebook" but then everything quickly spiraled to me feeling like Natalie Portman from "Black Swan". Today, I feel like Sonia Braga from "Dona Flor and her two husbands". I am engaged, I am in a fantastical relationship with my fiance and everything "almost" feels perfect except that it is not. But, isn't that normal? So, today I wrote to my mother. I apologized to her for everything. And Ma, if somehow you stumble upon this, I am sorry for disrespting you not just as my mother but as a woman. You were, still are, and always will be the only constant in my life. You're my soul bird. I love you. 4:20 pm, Mumbai, Asmita Sen: I do miss you the most. I am not being able to tell you a lot because of how much of my changes are connected to this difficult past and i try to find a space for myself through writing. I try to heal through it.

My pain is very difficult to communicate and I'm more emotional because of a past that was not very normal. I'm trying to let go but it will take me time.

But, i do want you to understand that I miss you more than you know. And the struggles I'm facing now is nothing compared to my past. I'm just struggling to keep myself from getting triggered because I don't feel like I'm good enough. It's because of my own insecurities.

I need to fight these and I will. Most people are good at getting up and cruising through life but I will probably take some more time. I'm not as quick as the others. It's because I take time to get into a right mindset before I take an action.

I'm sorry for the friction caused between us in the past and recently too. I didn't mean it. I never want to hurt you intentionally. Especially you. I apologise for every type of hurt I might have caused you in the past. I love all of you and I'll be okay.

5:37 pm, Kolkata, Ma: Try to find little moments in a day that make you happy...some music, something that you have read or watched, or just a stupid joke!

Try to get out under the open sky more often and get some fresh air.

It is the little things in everyday life that give you happiness...

I'm not a psychological counselor, but I can share my ways of dealing with tough phases of life.

Try and stay happy, my love.

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